My Healing Journey
In January, 2021, I was diagnosed with testicular cancer.
I underwent a successful mass-removal surgery right away, and was back to work a couple of weeks later, thinking I was in the clear. Then, in June, excruciating back pain led me to the local emergency room, where a CT scan showed that the cancer had metastasized into my abdominal lymph nodes.
That month, as I began chemotherapy and endured the most difficult summer of my life, I also began blogging on my experience and sending out weekly posts to my loved ones. Below, in reverse chronological order, are those posts. Enjoy!
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Thanks for joining me on this journey!
I hope your springtimes are progressing in vivid color, and that your summer is shaping up to be a great one. I just wanted to share with my loved ones out there a couple of pieces of good news.
First: My MRI scan a couple of weeks ago yielded another negative result, showing no evidence of disease and further documenting my complete remission! I welcome and celebrate the clean bill of health!
2022 has been an amazing, humbling, sweet year — one of physical rehabilitation, family connection, spiritual expansion, celebration of life, and working to create a rich, new definition of “normal” after last year’s remarkable struggles and powerful lessons. It was also a year replete with its own challenges and surprises — but are these not essential aspects of the privilege of being alive?
What can we do but smile and give thanks for it all?
After a couple of really challenging years — a dance with cancer that included major surgery, brutal chemotherapy, and months of uncertainty with irregular scans ever-trending in the right direction but stopping just short of the longed-for resolution of “complete remission” — it finally happened.
I went in this November for another CT scan… and at long last...
It was NEGATIVE!
…If you caught my last post, you saw that I just celebrated my 37th birthday (while on an overnight train in northern Finland, no less)! Over the next few weeks, as I settle back into life at home, I’ll be integrating my experience and sharing stories and media from the road (to augment the brief photo chronicles I’ve already shared on Instagram and Facebook).
For now, though — as I pivot somewhat abruptly to Back-to-School Mode — I wanted to take the opportunity to share a video of a very special occasion that took place earlier this summer.
This time last year, I was in the chemo chair. Today, I celebrate my 37th birthday in Scandinavia with Satya! Here’s a little update from the road…
Hello, Beloveds,
I write with good tidings as I celebrate my 37th birthday!
I had my latest long-awaited scan on Tuesday afternoon, and I had the report in my inbox within an hour. It has taken me a few days to process the info and craft this brief update for you. I hope this note finds you in good spirits!
This week, my reflections center around a shift in my attitude toward this scan. Over the last month or so, I’ve caught myself worrying at times, hustling to do more to achieve the desired result, and asking the world out there to help me will this long-desired remission.
Lately, though, I find myself softening, accepting, and trusting more. I’ve been opening up to the idea that I am more likely to attract my desired outcome if I’m already in a place of joy, health, and good feelings — so I’ve been working to cultivate those in my daily life and believing that the rest will fall into place in universal flow.
In the remainder of this post, I’ll reflect more deeply on this evolution, and I’ll unpack the concept of “insh’Allah,” which has become one of my favorites in the global lexicon. I’ll also honor the non-linearity of life and healing, and celebrate the entire road that has led to this golden moment.
In this dispatch, I share some reflections on finishing strong, and what that has meant to me in this chapter of healing since my last scan (along with some hints of what I hope will come next). I also share some thoughts on an evolving (semi-Ukraine-conflict-inspired) metaphor of my healing body as a battle-ravaged city on the mend, as well as some worldly indigenous perspectives and deeper thoughts on cancer.
My primary goal today is to celebrate the achievement of the initial goal of my healing fundraiser. (Hooray!) I feel deep and ongoing gratitude for the waves of support that have come in, and this feels like a really important milestone we just reached together. So thank you!
My secondary goal today is to announce that, at the encouragement of several loved ones, I’ve consented to increasing the campaign's goal. This is to account for the immediate hole I ended up in once disability payments stopped, and to set myself up for success in facing upcoming out-of-pocket healthcare costs.
I just wrapped up a weeklong journey to New York City with my darling daughter — a most joyful experience replete with memories I will cherish for the rest of my life.
I’ve reflected a great deal on the meaning of this trip in the context of my greater story. In this post, I’ll share reflections and photos from my travels, including this latest NYC excursion and other recent adventures in healing.
First, though, a little health update…
I am writing today with a specific and humbling goal: to ask for help again. I have been astonished by all the contributions that have streamed in since a friend launched a GoFundMe after my cancer recurrence last summer. Those donations, combined with modest state disability payments, have helped to keep my family afloat and supported my ability to pay out-of-pocket for the many complementary healing services from which I’ve benefitted. I feel humbled and grateful.
Now — as I greet the new year (and with it, a new health insurance deductible) — a new slew of medical costs are keeping me company across the treatment finish line. At the same time, I recently received notice of my “Exhaustion of Benefits” from the state, meaning my disability payments have ceased and I’m now living off dwindling savings I had hoped to someday use to buy a home. So it goes! At least I am alive : )
Greetings, Family! This is just a quick note to share that I’ve signed up to run the Bay to Breakers, a 12 kilometer run through San Francisco, this May. Anyone out there care to join me?
…At the time of my most recent scan — the one performed on December 30 — the volume of the node had decreased further still, clocking in at a mere volume of 16.1 cubic centimeters. That is less than 1/3 of the size it was back in September!
Dear Family and Friends,
As you’re likely aware, this has been a major year for me and Satya Rose. I am more grateful than ever to be here, alive on this beautiful planet and sharing this sacred journey of consciousness with you. What follows is a heavily abridged recap of this latest and most transformational trip around the sun. I hope it finds you in excellent health and spirits!
After all the spendy vibes of “Black Friday,” I encourage you to treat yo’self to the good feeling that comes along with giving to a worthy cause. Enjoy these reflections on Giving Tuesday, along with some easy opportunities to make an impact!
I just wanted to say thanks. Knowing you're out there has made all the difference.
A little end-of-year health update, including the outcome of my October scan, next steps, dank cancer memes, and some reflections on anger.
This evening marks the completion of the ninth year of life for my beloved daughter, Satya Rose Palsson — and I couldn’t be more proud of the brilliant, hilarious, kind and helpful being she continues to blossom into.
I’m headed to my follow-up CT scan. Good news coming soon, Insh’Allah!
Creativity, Bucket Lists, and Healing. What would you do if you only had a year left on this planet?
With full acknowledgement of the privilege implicit in the healing that I have access to, I’ve still been in what has felt like a major fight for my life and my future here — and as such, I have continued to give this healing project my full attention and the full weight of whatever support has flowed in my direction.
Of course, I’ll fundamentally do whatever is necessary to achieve a long life of thriving and living my purpose as a father and writer and instrument of peace — but I’ve also had a very strong sense that I am already cancer-free, that my body can take it from here, that whatever remained within me at the time of the scan (that fleeting snapshot of a moment in time) is already on its way out.
My belief and hope is that this surgery ultimately won’t be necessary.
As my body and soul have rebounded from the debilitating process of chemotherapy, I’ve had a clearer vision of the outcome that I desire and stronger practices for reaching my goal of vibrant health and freedom from all dis-ease.
It's been six years since the Valley Fire displaced me from my home and changed my life. In this article, I share my story and reflections on the incident, along with a link to Fire Station 88.1, the beautiful, short documentary chronicling emergency response efforts at our community radio station during the 2015 Valley Fire.
I’m learning a lot here. I’m learning about what I value (love! life! family! connection! freedom! authenticity! expression!), and I’m learning to do something that has always been a challenge for me: asking for help and receiving social support.
A major update on where we stand after three rounds and what comes next.
(Hint: We will be victorious.)
As I cross the finish line of Round 3 of chemo (in humble and groundless uncertainty of what's to come), I wanted to celebrate this moment of graduation by sharing a video of the commencement address that I offered to the graduating class of 2021 at the high school where I've taught for the last three years, Quest Forward Academy in Santa Rosa, CA.
When I gave this speech at the ceremony in June, I was in a great deal of back pain, and I didn't know why. Less than a week later, I would be admitted to the local emergency room, where I would learn through a CT scan of the testicular cancer recurrence I've been battling and dancing with ever since.
The theme of the speech is finding our wings by jumping into the abyss.
The big week of round three is now in the books. It wasn’t easy and it packed a few surprises, including an unplanned trip to the emergency room. But soon, after two more weekly infusions and a couple weeks of recovery and inner work, I’ll be getting a CT scan to inform my next steps.
As I mark my solar return in Ye Olde Chemoe Chaire, I’m engaged in the sort of life-contemplation that I typically get into around this time of year — considering where I’ve been and where I’m headed, meditating on what I’ve accomplished so far in this life and what I wish to create with the rest of it, looking at what appears to be working well and where I’ve been missing the mark.
People often ask me how I'm doing, and the answer varies from moment to moment.
In this moment, I feel afraid!
I just went in for a chest CT scan this morning — and when I got home, the results were already in my inbox.
Other Threads
Go Back & Fetch It
My main project right now (and a big part of my healing journey) is writing a book telling the whole messy story of my life leading up to this wake-up call. You can read more about my memoir here.
Campaign Story
In 2016 and 2018, I ran for United States House of Representatives in California’s 5th District, on a platform of social, racial, environmental and economic justice for all. This is my story.
Valley Fire Story
In September of 2015, I evacuated from my home in Northern California’s rural Lake County, as a record-breaking wildfire decimated my community. Read more about my Valley Fire experience here.
I hope you are well! It has been a while since I’ve shared an update, and as we near my 38th birthday (on August 2nd!) — along with the two-year anniversary of the completion of my treatment for cancer and the beginning of a long recovery journey — I wanted to reach out with a few kind words and good tidings of what’s to come.
NEW! You can now view this post as a fun video with extra images and bonus content that includes breaking news!