A photo from after the Healing Ceremony on my birthday eve

Birthday Reflections from the Infusion Chair

Greetings, Beloveds!

Today, on my 36th birthday, I began round 3 of chemotherapy, as I fight for the very life I am giving thanks for and celebrating

I have my amazing sister Renee by my side, visiting from Missouri — along with my daughter, my mom, and a wide community of loved ones joining me on this journey — and in this magnificent company, I am feeling fortified and capable of just about anything.

And as I mark my solar return in Ye Olde Chemoe Chaire, I’m engaged in the sort of life-contemplation that I typically get into around this time of year — considering where I’ve been and where I’m headed, meditating on what I’ve accomplished so far in this life and what I wish to create with the rest of it, looking at what appears to be working well and where I’ve been missing the mark.

Of course, as with most things right now, this reflection process feels extra intense. And as with most things right now, I’m honored to share it with you!

But first, a little health update:

I wrote last week’s post from a kind of unsettled inner space, after receiving some confusing CT scan and lab results and feeling like I had encountered a setback. Please forgive my acting out.

After talking with my doctor today, I realize my fear and stress were undue. She seemed stoked with my progress (the mass has reduced in size, and my tumor markers are all now in normal range), and she indicated that the idiosyncracies on my chest CT were no cause for concern: we probably all have “nodules” in our lungs, which could be scars from coughs of yore, and that hilar lymph node was just 0.1 cm out of normal range, likely naught more than a big node in the body of a big dada.

In other words, we are good. This is working. Onward to victory. Huzzah!

Still, I asked if there is any way to up the dose, indicating I’ll do whatever it takes to lick this thing (essentially saying, “is that all you got?”). But I was assured that I am already being given world-class treatment, with precise doses based on a number of factors like my age and size and diagnosis.

Don’t get me wrong, this treatment has been uncomfortable — but I’ve also been eating and walking and celebrating life every day. And if I need to be puking on the floor in agony in order to emerge triumphant, then LET’S GO!

(Side note: they really need to stop sending confusing scan results directly to patients without proper medical context. I mean, I take responsibility for my emotions and reactions, but seriously, come on: that was scary!)

Whatever setbacks (or apparent setbacks) may come, though, I’m committed to learning from them and moving forward with heart.

I so appreciate all the reminders I’ve received these last few days — that I got this, that improvements are happening and we’re still trending in the right direction, that Great Spirit (the Universe, God, call it what you will) shall provide — and that where there is a will, there is a way. Thanks for the strength you have all been lending me. Y'all are amazing.

There remains the possibility of a fourth round of treatment — in fact, in this groundless and uncertain quantum universe, there remain any number of possibilities — but I have my mind and heart set on the possibility I desire most: remission, full recovery, and returning to the work of inspired service to collective wellbeing with more courage, clarity and authenticity than ever before!

And whatever it takes to reach that promised land. I say bring it on! At this point, I can handle just about anything.

So I wanted to send out a little birthday note early this week, knowing that with 5-hour treatments 5 days in a row, I might not be feeling up to it later in the week. For those intrepid souls who have made it this far and care to read on, I hope you enjoy!

Shares are explicitly invited. Donations remain welcome : )

First, though, I want to give a quick thanks to those who have helped put this fundraiser over the halfway mark (thank you!) and make a little birthday request of the willing: I could really use the support of some social ninjas to help amplify these posts and spread this fundraiser farther out into the world.

Between writing these emails, posting them to my blog, and spending time dipping back into my book project, I’m feeling pretty maxed out on computer time. Beyond dropping these weekly posts on my FB page, I haven’t taken to social media lately. (Plus, your unique shares are better than my repeat shares.)

For those digital denizens out there, I wonder if you’d be willing to take a moment to give a quick share (…of either the fundraiser page itself, or my ‘Dancing with Cancer’ post). The larger the community, the more people power we have on our side for generating good vibes. Thanks in advance!

It’s a trip: It feels like I am experiencing more consistent awareness and insight than ever before, and yet my energy to act on it is about as low as it has ever been. I get these powerful intuitive glimpses of what to do next, what kind of inspired action (mostly writing!) will result in the most genuine and sustained healing… and yet, between infusions and labs, doctor visits and acupuncture and visualizations, taking daily constitutional walks, feeding my body and resting, I feel like I am working as hard as ever!

I’m lining up some powerful visions of what healing looks like in this upcoming post-chemo period. I hope and trust I’ll be fortunate enough to make it there. I’ll have a lot of work to do even in remission to recover physically, mentally and emotionally from this. But first I need to get there.

As I celebrate another trip around Mr. Golden Sun, I have a lot to give thanks for, and a lot that I’m looking to learn from and build on as I move forward into my next lap around the solar system.

Daughter and Father

Satya Rose is far and away my greatest accomplishment and the most joyful aspect of my life.

Parents out there will know what I mean when I say there is nothing better than seeing a little being you’ve nurtured from infancy blossom into a healthy, self-possessed, loving and conscious being. Most of you know Satya (and if you don’t, boy are you missing out!). Either way, I need to celebrate what a kind and helpful, sweet and caring, talented and hilarious person she continues to become. She is my sunshine.

The other day, I asked Satya what the most important things in life are. She replied, “my mom and dad — and just… having a smile on my face, following my heart and being happy.” What more could a father want?

Maybe just to be here as long as I can to witnesses and support her continued growth, and to celebrate with unconditional love whatever unique being she transforms into over the years!

I’ve been looking up to Paps my whole life.

Losing my dad in my early twenties was a huge initiation for me and helped make me the man I am — but it was also majorly traumatic and confusing, and it left me feeling alone and abandoned by my best friend, prime mentor, and biggest fan. I think this experience has served in part to inform some of the fear I’ve needed to walk through since my cancer journey began. I’m committed to staying here on this earthly plane for Satya the way my dad was unable to for me.

In the years following my dad’s transition, I was adrift in many ways, depressed and without guidance. I’m determined to be here for Satya, not only to continue nurturing her through childhood and adolescence, but to support and cheer her on as she steps forward into the world and becomes her own woman.

Remembering that we still have each other’s back.

My father, Ralf Irving Palsson, had an incalculable influence on my life, in both his life and death.

To wring out this remaining grief, a big part of my mission in writing is “go back and fetch” my memories of being with him, especially in those transformative final months of his life, when I was by his side.

Last week, I read through my old MFA project — a first pass at Chapter 1 of my book — and while I wish to edit and improve it before sharing it out, it reminded me how much work I’ve already done on this project, and how close I am to having something tangible to offer.

It also reminded me how seminal my ol’ pappy’s death was as a jumping-off point into the longer story of my last thirteen years of adulthood. I’ve got our last letters to one another, transcribed and built into the story along with copious journal entries and a running narrative of the experience — and I’m excited to share it all with you in due course.

‘Random Hijinx’ from the Terra Nova days…

Relationships matter.

Recently, I’ve felt a renewed and growing understanding of the importance of relationships.

In my rush these last several years to accomplish and achieve and do (and, more often than I’d like to admit, merely to earn and survive), I believe I’ve neglected the “being” part of this “human being” thing.

And I believe I’ve neglected the importance of relationships.

I feel a strong and ever-expanding desire to be a better son and father, brother and friend, uncle and nephew and cousin. I want to remember birthdays and reach out more frequently to distant loved ones. I want to text people out of the blue and send letters and give gifts. I want to maintain and deepen these bonds.

Independence Day 2017 in STL with the best Mom.

Of course, I continue to desire to serve the wider community of life — to do my part to expedite the revolution and spread truth, love and justice far and wide — I just realize more and more that the connections I’ve made along the way are a big part of what makes life so beautiful and so worth living (and worth fighting for). In addition to wanting to be here for my daughter, I want to be here for all my relations.

I wish to be here for my mother as she gets older, to comfort her and carry her and care for her the way she has cared for me all these years.

Summers in MO with Kendall, Alec, Renee and Ross

I choose to be a better brother to Renee and a better uncle to her amazing grown kids, Kendall, Ross and Alec — to visit more often, call more often, and be there more consistently.

I desire to tell my dad’s story and sing his song, and continue to be in relationship with him even though his body has returned to dust.

And I aspire to really be there for the rest of my friends and relatives, like the family members I typically see only on holidays, the friends I have easily gone years without contacting while on autopilot in the unconscious past, and the mentors and colleagues who have touched my life before circumstances interrupted and called us elsewhere.

I’ve received so many supportive messages and phone calls from people I hadn’t talked to in ages, and I can’t help but ask myself, “What have I been doing?”

Whatever trauma or stress has occasioned my lapse in connection, I am committed to maintaining linkage going forward. And to the community that has given me so much support in my hour of need, I am committed to giving back.

A short video from my 2018 campaign for United States Congress

**What have I been doing?**

In my first few decades on earth, I’ve kind of been all over the place — moving back and forth across the country multiple times, serving in several different professional roles, and belonging to a number of communities before moving yet again.

As I spiral forth into this next chapter of my life — insh’Allah — my powerful prayer is that it be one of integration. As I go back and fetch it, I intend not only to recover and tell the story, but to honor the path, the relationships, and the sacred experiences themselves — and to bring it all together in other creative ways.

I’m proud of my two runs for US Congress, and I feel a strong need to integrate that experience and tell that story more powerfully. My YouTube channel is replete with campaign videos like this one, and my website, nilspalsson.org, is still mostly composed of old campaign material. When I have the energy (which has not been too often lately!) I've been cobbling away at a digital overhaul, turning the site into a more comprehensive mosaic of my life and offerings, which I look forward to celebrating with you as the project progresses.

I was a working single dad during both campaigns. I was displaced by wildfire during the first one, and very quickly after the second one I found a full-time teaching position that instantly became my one-pointed professional focus.

QFA Quetzals at the Climate March in San Francisco, September, 2019

I feel proud of what I’ve done in my three years (and counting!) at Quest Forward Academy in Santa Rosa. I joined the small staff of this innovative startup high school in its second year, and in addition to having a fun and meaningful time serving as a social science mentor as the school has grown, I’ve done my best to build a cohesive, kind and helpful community in which each person feels valued and accepted for who they are.

Highlights of my QFA years have included convening and mentoring the student leadership community, building a ‘City as Campus’ program and guiding a number of learning excursions into the community (from permaculture farms to museums, wild places to climate and labor marches), partnering with a sister school at the foot of Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania, serving as Dean of Faculty and “mentor coach” to two amazing incoming batches of educators, helping to produce our graduations and giving a pair of thoughtful commencement addresses, and the innumerable moments of connection I’ve shared with students both in and out of the classroom, as we’ve learned together what it means to be alive on planet earth in these epic times.

Commencement Speech for Quest Forward Academy’s Class of 2020

Soon, I hope to be able to share my most recent graduation speech recorded this June, just days before this cancer recurrence was diagnosed — but I do have a video of the speech I gave at our virtual graduation in 2020 and I invite you to check it out. The video is a bit blurry (it was recorded before a much-needed phone upgrade), but I am proud of the content.

2018 article in UMN’s Journal of Interdisciplinary Partnership Studies

I also feel honored to have been an active part of the Transition Towns movement to build resilient, just, thriving local communities through inspired action together.

I’ve served as a grassroots community organizer with Transition Lake County, as Communications Director of Transition US, the nonprofit national hub of this movement in the United States, and as a delegate to the international community of Transition Hubs leaders, who are working to build resilient community in more than 50 countries and over 1,600 towns and cities around the world. I’ll write and share much more on this as well, but if you’re curious, I had an early iteration of my “transition story” published in the Interdisciplinary Journal of Partnership Studies in 2018, and I think it’s a good read.

This amazing, short documentary, Fire Station 88.1, chronicles the fire. — This amazing, short documentary, *Fire Station 88.1*, chronicles the fire.

As “fire season” in the American West draws nearer, I also look forward to sharing more about my role as a first responder, chiefly on the radio, as the record-breaking Valley Fire lay waste to much of Lake County (ultimately displacing me and Satya from our home in Loch Lomond) in 2015.

My experience serving in community during the perilous Valley Fire was documented widely, from a story on the BBC and this LA Times article to this amazing short documentary, Fire Station 88.1, directed and produced by the infinitely talented Marnie Crawford Samuelson and Shane Hofeldt of Boston Picture Group, Inc.

At the MFA Festival before I graduated from CIIS

I’m also grateful for my education and proud of the work that I put in to earn my degrees — especially my Master of Fine Arts in Writing and Consciousness from the California Institute of Integral Studies in San Francisco.

While I have yet to complete the manuscript that I enrolled in the program to write (alas, I had loads of reading and other essays to write, plus two jobs and a small child), I had an invaluable opportunity to workshop some of my early ideas and a stage on which I was able to begin finding and sharing my voice.

The more I feel forward into this next chapter, the more certain (and hopeful!) I am that the projects I began to cultivate during my MFA (and in the years leading up to my time at CIIS) will be powerfully reemerging, calling forth my energy, and ultimately bearing some bomb fruit as I return to nurturing them.

Whatever does (or doesn't) happen next, I feel increasingly empowered to bring forward my deepest gifts and serve our world as a greater and greater embodiment of truth and love.

As I produce this mashup that is my life and make my way from "cancer fighter" (..."cancer dancer"?) to "cancer survivor," I'll be sharing deeper glimpses into these and other aspects of my multitudinous existence. I can hardly wait.

For now, I wish you all well. Thank you, as ever, for sharing the journey with me.

Your brother,

Nils

PS. I keep beginning these email drafts writing something like, “I’ll do my best to keep this update a bit more concise than some of my previous, lengthier posts” and then having to delete that part because I’ve written so much...

As Twain might say nowadays, I didn't have time to write you a short blog post, so I wrote you a long one!

...Maybe next time.

Love y'all!

Much gratitude for all the continued support. I’m really glad to have you here on this journey with me!