Hey Fam,

Just a quick check-in for this week. My last post was pretty mega and went into some detail about what’s gone down since my third round in the trenches with my chemo allies.

After sending that last dispatch, I had a deep soak and powerful healing ceremony at Harbin Hot Springs near my old home in the mountains of Lake County, along with lots of energy work, exercise, a good diet, continued use of supplements and ancient healing herbs, and ongoing detoxification and visualization — and over this long weekend, I returned to the cleansing waters to swim and camp out with with my darling daughter Satya.

Today, at 11:30 am Pacific Time, I have my first true dedicated abdominal and pelvic CT scan since before treatment began, which will shed some light on the current status of my dance (at least from a western medical perspective…). Then, come Thursday afternoon, I’ll have a chance to speak with my new doctor, this UCSF department head, about the results.

Deep gratitude to all who have shared this path. I LOVE YOU!

In my latest blood workup, the AFP tumor marker remained in normal range for the second consecutive week — not (yet!) as low as I look forward to seeing it go over time — but it shows up on my magical online chart as a green dot instead of a red one, and I’m stoked about that.

More importantly, though, I am feeling better and better in my body — more and more free of dis-ease — and for that, I give major thanks.

And pretty much all I have to say in this moment is thank you.

Thank you for the light. Thank you for the prayers and good vibes and happy thoughts of curing and healing success. (And thank you for the donations. I feel awkward continuing to beat this drum, but every little bit makes a big difference and your support, however rendered, is deeply appreciated).

Going into today's CT scan, I feel good. I feel free of dis-ease and ready to manifest more clinical data that reflects my inner state of increasing peace and clarity and aliveness. So... let's do this!

In my next message, along with an update on what I learn this week, I look forward to sharing some reflections that have been brewing on the topics of thoughts, prayers, good vibes, and the fundamental kindredness of these concepts. In the meantime, if you have any of those warm fuzzies to send this way on my big day, I give thanks.

The deeper thought I'll share in the remainder of this message has to do with one of my major growth edges that has been revealed to me throughout this dance with dis-ease: learning to receive.

A piece of healing artwork created by resident artist Satya Rose showing love coming at me from all angles.

Saying yes to social support

One of the nine key factors of healing in the Radical Remissionmasterpiece I discussed last week is “embracing social support,” and this has always been a challenge for me. Perhaps due to some underlying story of unworthiness, I have always strived to prove myself by giving, giving, giving — even when I may have been better served by setting boundaries and saying ‘no.’

There is another great book out there, by the brilliant addiction expert, physician and author, Dr. Gabor Mate, entitled “When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress,” positing, in short, that dis-ease is often a result of our failure to set boundaries.

Ultimately, if we say “yes” for too long to something that is truly a “no” for us, our body will find a way to lash out and express that unspoken “no” in the form of unwanted symptoms. (For deep-divers, I recommend the book. For everyone, I recommend one of Mate’s many talks on YouTube, like this one.)

Joyful morning celebration at the waterfall.

The signs and symptoms of the need for change begin softly and get progressively louder. Ever heard of the “Tap Tap, Knock Knock, Bang Bang” Theory?

When something is out of balance, we’ll receive signals, whether through spirit or science (perhaps one and the same?), alerting us of the need to pay attention and make adjustments.

First it comes gently, a little “tap tap” on the window-pane of our consciousness, something that you may casually notice, but which is easy enough to ignore if you want to.

If the tap goes unacknowledged and unheeded, though, we receive a louder “Knock Knock!” Something is trying to get our attention. You can try and ignore it, but you are most certain it is there.

The climb is a steep and interesting one.

Finally, if the knock goes unanswered, we hear the deafening “BANG BANG!” which comes in the form of something which simply cannot be ignored.

I think that is what I’ve been dealing with here.

(Incidentally, I see COVID, all these wildfires, and the seemingly endless string of incidents of police brutality and protests in this country in a similar light: Obviously, between the climate crisis, our unjust economy, and systemic racism in this country, something is majorly amiss. We’re constantly receiving signals from our planet and from humanity itself that something has got to change, and we ignore these messages only at our peril.)

For my part, for an untold number of years, I said “yes” when I could have more authentically said “no.” I hustled and hustled, gave and gave, while failing to say the “no” brewing deeply within me, and while struggling to open up and receive. The result was stress, scarcity, and ultimately this frightening episode of dis-ease I never thought I’d have to experience.

I’m learning a lot here. I’m learning about what I value (love! life! family! connection! freedom! authenticity! expression!), and I’m learning to do something that has always been a challenge for me: asking for help and receiving social support.

That’s a big part of what these posts represent for me. In addition to being a place for me to express and share what I’m going through, it has been a way for me to say what, in my attempts to show my strength and worth, I’ve always struggled to say: please help.

And whether you’ve heeded the call or set a boundary, I honor and appreciate you for being the community that has helped to hold me up and propel me forward in this fight, in this dance, in this consciousness-expanding journey.

I remain ever grateful to walk the path, and to do so with you as my companion and witness.

Wishing you peace, joy, and expansion,

Nils